apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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