I think I won the penis lottery.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
