I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
