i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
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