I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
