I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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