I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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