I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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