I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
