i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
