I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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