it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
