Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
