I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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