I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
