My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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