guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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