I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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