I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
