dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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