I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
