if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
