You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
it was like eating out sand paper
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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