She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
