have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
