I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
