we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
