Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
