I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize