even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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