textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
