having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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