Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
