Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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