Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize