he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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