Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
