i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
