So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
