It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
