I just pynch a tree in the face
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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