I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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