No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
