yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
