I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
