when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize