Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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