I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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