If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
