Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
where am i from again
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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