Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
