His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
