I'm gonna have a badass scar
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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