Kiss
Puke
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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