Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
