8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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